That may be the biggest difference Joe. Those in the Union Army were following orders just as they had always done. Those in the Confederate Army were following orders to try to help found another nation, or country. The fact that so many on both sides had been together in other battles, times, classes had to cause some pretty awful mental distress. Many friendships were broken. Families divided. Possibly, had the Confederate forces been able to go into Union territory as the Union did the South, a better understanding would result. As it was, among other things, Pride was the fall back when men such as Sheridan made remarks such as that. We have all read of Union officers still respecting the Confederate Officer as a person and a soldier but the fact they chose to leave their former comrades had to bite. Maybe Grant would have been a bit less rigid. Possibly Sherman too. Until an army arrives at ones door, takes whatever they want and destroys what is left, they couldn't really figure out why those this happened to were even more determined to try to stop it.