Your statements seem to be the crux of the us vs. them issue. I have a Union ancestor who didn't return whole from the South. Well....actually he did, just not alive. No hard feelings from this end...He died fighting for waht he believed just as your ancestors fought for what they believed. I think the difference may be simply that mine "won" (I put that in quotes because was it really a win?) and yours "lost" (again the quotes). The "losing" is often harder than the "winning" and therefore grudges/dislikes, etc. are passed down from generation to generation when they need not have been (or rather, the grudges are held against the descendants of the "winners" personally, when the descendants have no control over what happened back then). Perhaps if we would all remember this, then the discussions would remain more amicable.

Hold the hard feelings against the situations/events of that time period....not against the descendants of those your ancestor fought against. And I realize you aren't (thus your actions at Gettysburg)....